


i'll hold on to the words you spoke of

by retts



Series: Great Good Fine OK [3]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Excessive Face and Hair Touching, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 23:40:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9147124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retts/pseuds/retts
Summary: He had never believed people when they said their hearts skipped a beat when they fell in love. Then Even had seen Isak on the first day of school, fighting to get something out of his backpack before engaging in an all out war with his locker, and Even's heart had done that thing that books and films and everyone else seemed to experience, skipping like a stone over water.





	

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from 'shirtsleeves' by ed sheeran
> 
> i was supposed to post this on the 1st of january but that's passed. also, this was so hard to write? like i've been at this this for the past week, editing and rewriting and cutting and adding, it just shows how it's been ages since i properly wrote...arghhh this is the best it will be but i hope you guys enjoy anyway
> 
> (after Julie's gem of a new year's gift, though, i'm genuinely kind of embarrassed to post this haha)

 

'Your hair's getting a bit long,' said Isak, out of the blue, when Even was just about to fall asleep. Isak had really shit timing sometimes, Even thought fondly as his eyes flickered open; considering how sleep was more elusive than smoke and drifted away from his fingertips with the slightest disturbance. Even sighed as Isak draped more of himself over him. Isak's face fell when he looked at Even and (correctly, always correctly, and wasn't that amazing?) read the weariness there. He touched the side of Even's face in remorse. 'Oh fuck, sorry, were you sleeping already?'

Even brushed the corner of Isak's frown with his thumb and gently pushed it upwards. 'It's fine. What did you say about my hair? That it's gorgeous?'

'No,' said Isak. He combed his fingers through the gold strands. 'Yes.' He perched his chin on Even's chest, eyes focused on the few curls clinging to his fingertips. 'It's longer now, just a little bit.' Even still had his thumb on Isak's mouth and he traced the hint of a dimple there. Isak looked back at him, half-lidded, concealing and revealing at the same time. How could Even read Isak so well and yet still be constantly surprised by him?

(The fact that he existed. The fact that he existed in Even's space and was perfectly happy to spend god knew how many hours with him. The fact that he _stayed_.)

'I like your hair, too,' said Even softly, reaching for a wayward curl. 'It's a shame to hide it under your snapbacks.'

'Hey, snapbacks are super cool.'

'If you say so. I still like you, whether you wear snapbacks or not.'

A small smile played around Isak's lips. He wriggled closer, leaning up on an elbow to kiss Even's chin and settling back down on top of him. 'Surprisingly, I like you too.'

'Surprisingly?' said Even, amused.

'Ja. You listen to shit music and are nice to everybody. And I mean _everybody_. You're, like, you were kind of desperate when we first met, too, when I had thought you were this real cool guy.' Isak made a mournful face, but his eyes were lit up with mischief. 'Turns out you're just as desperate as Magnus!'

Even laughed, fondness curling around his heart like ribbons. He mimicked the gentle grip Isak had on his own hair, fingernails scratching Isak's scalp lightly. Isak hummed in pleasure and closed his eyes. Even loved having Isak to himself: he was softer, looser, unguarded. Not just when they were locked up in his bedroom like this, wrapped around each other, but out in public, just the two of them, hand in hand or arms linked or shoulders bumping. Secret smiles and bright eyes. Pink cheeks. Funny faces and toothy grins. Isak was different when he was alone with Even and Even adored it, guarded it selfishly, always wanted more. Just his luck that Isak was more than happy to oblige him.

'I had, um, this manic episode last year,' said Even in a quiet voice, suddenly wanting to share this memory with Isak. There were still a great many things he hadn't told Isak, things that were too painful or embarrassing or frightening to give shape and meaning to. He wasn't used to _telling_ people about being Bipolar, especially important ones who could leave after hearing the wrong story. Sonja had been there from the start. So had Mikael, and where were they now? Gone, by choice or consequence. The fear of losing Isak was always in the pit of his stomach, the back of his throat, the tips of his fingertips.

But Isak. Isak had a way of looking at Even that calmed him down. Made him feel safe, like he could whisper things into the small universe between them and the stars would still shine, the planets would still turn. Everything would still be beautiful.

'It was before I was diagnosed,' Even went on, eyes drifting down from the ceiling to meet Isak's, bluer in their sincerity, always looking back at him with unconcealed tenderness that caught Even off guard. 'When I thought...well. I was beginning to think that I was, there was something going on with me. I mean, aside from the usual teenage bullshit. But I remember that day, that night. I just felt so invincible. Like, life was perfect and I could do anything I wanted, fuck everybody else who said otherwise.'

He licked his lips, pursing them in thought. Isak touched his collarbone with his thumb, tracing the ridge of it back and forth.

'You don't usually feel like that when you're manic?' asked Isak quietly. His gaze darted down to where he was touching Even and then back up to his face.

'No. It's more like, I've got so much energy that I just gotta keep moving, you know? And I get so loud, like this incredible energy isn't just satisfied being movement but has to be sound too. Everything is fast, fast, fast. Sometimes it's so intense that I want to crawl out of my own skin.' Even swallowed and licked his lips again. 'But yeah, that day, I was feeling fucking amazing. I was the king of the world.'

'I know this one,' murmured Isak, eyes flickering in recognition. 'Titanic.'

Even's lips curled and he huffed out a breathy laugh, cupping his other hand around Isak's shoulder and giving him a little shake. 'Yeah. I see your education isn't going to waste. You're so awesome, baby.'

'Even I know that one, I'm not _completely_ clueless.' Isak rolled his eyes, pretending to be offended for two seconds before the corner of his mouth quirked up in a grin. Even wanted to kiss him constantly, taste the little half smiles that were just as devastating as the beaming ones that stretched from ear to ear. The amazing thing was that Even _could_ (and did). He rolled them sideways and with one hand cradling the back of Isak's head, soft hair crushed between his fingers, Even took Isak's mouth in for quick kisses - one, two, three, four. Isak licked at him playfully, giggling against his lips, and then pushed Even back down on the bed by his ears.

'Story first, kisses later,' said Isak. He scrunched up his nose. 'Maybe more, I dunno.'

'So sexy,' Even teased but settled back on the bed, Isak once more sprawled over Even the way he liked to be.

'So,' Isak prompted gently, accompanied by a poke of his finger somewhere along the side of Even's neck.

Even blew out a breath. 'So, we - Sonja, Mikael and I - were at a party. We were totally wasted and like I said, I was feeling invincible. I could do anything. And I don't know how or why but I got this thought that I - ' A prickle of self-consciousness went down his ribcage and he shrugged, gaze drifting away from Isak. The memory was more of an impression of bright lights and sounds interspersed with snapshots of vivid clarity. And he remembered the euphoria, of course: that unparalleled sense of fearlessness and energy. 'Uh, well, I was messing around in the bathroom. I just found myself there, drunk and restless as fuck, and I saw this, uh, this box of hair dye.'

' _Oh_.'

Even's gaze darted quickly to the other boy when he heard the indrawn breath and saw Isak's eyes widen in disbelief...and mirth.

'You didn't! Oh my God, Even, did you?'

'Is this amusing to you?' asked Even, arching both eyebrows.

Abashed, Isak cleared his throat and bit his lip. 'I really should listen to the entire story, huh? It might not end the way I think it does.'

'You're so - ' Even exhaled, then laughed and shook his head. He stroked Isak's cheek fondly. 'You're right, if you were thinking that I locked myself in the bathroom and dyed my hair bright fucking green.'

Isak's eyes grew wider and he sat up a bit more, bracing a forearm next to Even's head. He picked up a lock of hair, rubbing the yellow strands between his fingers. ' _Green?_ ' he asked, voice shrill.

'Bright fucking green,' Even repeated, cringing at the memory. There was still probably a picture of it circulating in the Internet somewhere. 'It took an hour for it to dry and when they found me, it was already too late.'

'Holy fuck,' breathed Isak, lips parted as his eyes darted all over Even's face. 'What happened after?'

It had only gotten worse. The bathroom had been thrashed and everyone at the party had climbed over each other to take pictures of him, laughing and pointing and whispering, and Even was so, so, so high that nothing bothered him. Sonja had been upset, Mikael furious. His parents had come to get him, and his father had yelled when he'd seen the damage and his mother had touched his dripping hair with trembling hands. Then Even had gotten angry because everybody was freaking out. ( _Why? It was a fucking brilliant idea!_ ) He'd been forced to cut off most of his hair a few days later, leaving him nearly bald and feeling ugly, defaced, and the depression clinging to his heels had dug in hard and fast.

It was painful to form the words, to spell out the humiliation and confusion and blame that had dogged him for a long time after that incident. Isak listened solemnly to Even's faltering words, his amusement turning into something heartsore. He lowered his weight back down on top of Even as if he were a security blanket, sheltering him from the world. Even hadn't thought of that particular episode in some time. He'd laughed at that moment with his old friends ( _Fuck there must have been something wrong with the beer that night hahaha_ ) but it had been to hide the hurt clawing at him from their thoughtlessly cruel jokes.

'I'm sorry, baby,' Isak finally said, sad-eyed. 'I'm sorry that happened to you. I know I can't change any of it but I wish I could.'

Even had to bite back his instinctive retort, knowing by now that Isak wasn't giving him pity. Knowing, instead, how Isak was hurting because Even had been hurt, and honestly, Even hated that. Fucking loathed it - himself - for making Isak feel that way. He swallowed the scathing reply at the tip of his tongue and wrapped an arm around Isak's waist, fingers slipping under his hoodie to touch warm skin. Isak smoothed back Even's hair and kissed him again, lips clinging for long moments, soft and comforting. Isak kissed Even's upper lip and then the tip of his nose.

'It's in the past,' Even told Isak (and himself). Isak looked like he didn't believe him and Even relaxed, able to smile again, easy as that. Isak knew him so well by now, warts and all, and yet was still able to touch and look at him with such tenderness. It was humbling, a constant reminder that Isak chose to be with him and would listen to whatever Even had to say. Life wasn't perfect, Even knew that all too well, but this small part they've carved out for themselves might very well be the closest thing to it.

Even stroked his thumb under Isak's left eye and grinned up at him, hoping to lighten the mood. 'You said you Internet stalked me, right? I'm surprised you didn't find a picture of me with green hair in it.'

Isak blinked, and then rolled his eyes. 'I looked for your Facebook once. _Once_. That's not stalking.'

'Well, you said you found that video,' Even pointed out. His shoulder was going numb but he tightened his grip on Isak's back and held him closer.

'That was by accident!'

'Okay, then how did you _accidentally_ come by that video?'

Isak watched him with narrowed eyes and then said, 'You know what, I'm going to fucking sleep. I'm tired. You talk too much.' He tried to slide off of Even but Even wrapped his other arm around Isak and pinned him in place on top of him. Isak let out an indignant squawk and wriggled like a fish until Even gently bit the side of his neck. Isak held himself up on his hands and stared down at Even, hair falling on either side of his face as he tilted his head this way and that.

'I can sort of weirdly picture you with green hair,' said Isak contemplatively. 'Figures you would still be hot.'

'Thanks,' said Even. He drew his arms back as Isak fell down beside him with a heavy sigh, jostling the bed, and lifted up his arms in a lazy stretch. His eyelashes trembled as he let out another deep breath and rolled over onto his side, one hand pillowed under his cheek. He opened his eyes, gazing back at Even.

'Seriously, though,' he whispered, reaching out to trail a finger along Even's hairline, 'I'd still definitely date you if you had green hair. Or whatever fuck colour you want. It's not the worst thing in the world.'

He had never believed people when they said their hearts skipped a beat when they fell in love. Then Even had seen Isak on the first day of school, fighting to get something out of his backpack before engaging in an all out war with his locker, and Even's heart had done that thing that books and films and everyone else seemed to experience, skipping like a stone over water.

'The worst thing in the world,' said Even, voice low and a little rough, 'would be having Donald Trump as an uncle.'

Isak wrinkled his nose. 'Gross. Who has Trump as an uncle? Not me, that's for sure.'

Even nodded, then added softly, 'But I'd still definitely date you.'

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback (kudos, bookmarks, constructive criticisms) seriously feed my soul


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